Bright Lights, Small City

The Atlantic Film Festival is looming in, with opening festivities starting on September 11th. This year's program promises Hollywood features alongside local endeavours. Am I excited? In a word, YES!

I have "a man on the inside" this year, so I'll be able to check out some films from the comfort of my living room (we watched "Treevenge" and "There Are Monsters" last night). But, there are still some movies I'm definitely going to try and watch in theatre. What are these films? Read on...

Blindness: I've been going on about this one for a while, because I love the book that it's based on. There are rumours on the internets that Mark Ruffalo might come out to the opening of this.

Repo! The Genetic Opera: Anthony Stewart Head sings... again? Okay! This film looks just campy enough to keep it out of Saw territory. We'll ignore the fact that Paris Hilton is in it.

Zach and Miri Make a Porno: Okay, Kevin Smith, I might think you're gross, but I usually try to see your movies anyways. And then complain about it afterwords. Sigh.

Cronos: Guillermo Del Toro and Ron Perlman team up... in 1993? Pre Hell Boy film that looks smart and creepy.

Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: You have got to respect the good doctor.

A Dartmouth Werewolf in Dover: Wherein Matty Mays & co. go to England to record an album. Terror ensues.

Patti Smith: Dream of Life: I love this lady. This film has been years in the making... so glad I get to finally see it.

Word of Advice -- William S. Burroughs on the Road: Not sure if this is a film of Burroughs on Kerouac or Burroughs on himself or... hmm? Either way, Old Bull Lee is always interesting.

The Scavengers: Cory Bowles' first foray into film-making. And it's about a mermaid!

Surveillance: Jennifer Lynch (David's daughter) tries it again. Looks a lot better than Boxing Helena.

That's all I've got for now, besides an urge to see as much Atlantic Canadian content as possible. My birthday always coincides with the festival, which is both good and bad. The day that I was planning on doing birthday-stuff coincides with a Tom Fun Orchestra/Hey Rosetta! show. I think the gods are trying to tell me something...

Really... what did I expect?

Dear Hooters,

I was skeptical at best. Well, really I was sarcastic and smarmy but let's put that aside. I gave you a chance! I put aside my feelings and decided that you deserved to be given an opportunity to prove that you were more than just barely clothed Dartmouth girls (it's okay, I shuddered, too).

Myself and two companions entered with nary an undeserved comment or sideways glance. Even when we were neglected for nearly 15 minutes before getting a drink order, we had hope. We did not speak of the tiny outfits or the scary-looking exposed kitchen. Really, Hooters, what else could we have done?

First our server apologized for the wait, explaining that she was the bartender this evening. But, Hooters, she was not serving drinks! There was maybe 10 people in the entire restaurant! Instead, she was at a table of greasy looking men, pretending to talk with a mussel shell! What a comedian!

And then, Hooters, when she took our order, she neglected to tell us that we got sides with our meals! When I asked her, she said we assumed that we all wanted baked beans! We had to ask her to change our order, which had already gone to the kitchen. Shame!

Our food was brought back fairly quickly, with the aforementioned sides being small enough to fit in a Dixie cup (that being what they actually were served in)! My sandwich was greasy and barely edible, as was my friend's chicken sandwich. My other companion's "gourmet" hotdog was only served on half a bun! When we brought this up, our lovely server said "Oh." and yelled into the kitchen playfully, "Boys, why'd you give her half a bun! Give her a FULL one, next time!" to which the kitchen staff replied "Okay."

Oh, Hooters, our server was not very good. She spent half the time at the greasy guys' table, leaning over, shimmying, and flirting. No doubt she got a good tip. When she took our plates away, she asked if we minded waiting a while for our bill. Without being able to reply, she danced off again to the greasy table.

Fed up, we went to the bar to pay, and had to tear our "Hooters Girl" away from the grease table to get our bills. When my friend paid, she pointed out to him that he hadn't left a tip to which he replied, "I know."

So, Hooters, when people tell me that I speak of you unfairly and didn't give you a chance, I can honestly reply that I tried to enjoy a meal at the restaurant but found the food terrible and the service even worse. No doubt I would have found it different if I was with a group of men, but I feel I deserve equal service. Some men might tip more just because you're cute, but I expect at least half-attentive service. "Hooters Girl", I hope you enjoy the remaining 6 to 8 months you'll be able to pull off that outfit.

No love,

Lauren

When good ceilings go bad

It was a normal morning... or was it? From my cubicle I saw that something wasn't quite right with the ceiling. Parts of it seemed to be... missing...


Intrigued, I got up to investigate. A leak had destroyed the particleboard, leaving the rusted pipes in the ceiling exposed. I repressed my fear of mould spores flying out and clogging my lungs, and took a closer look.


Something was up there. Something peculiar. Something that would perhaps... quench my thirst? Could it be?


LIME CRUSH was holding back a torrent of water above my head. LIME CRUSH has apparently been in this ceiling for TWENTY YEARS. In Nova Scotia, if you have a leaky pipe, never fear, because LIME CRUSH will be there for you! Unfortunately, you can't get a nifty steel can like the one above anymore. That can is antiquated. That can might be older than me. I am hoping and praying that somewhere up there is a bottle of Orbitz. That stuff was damn tasty.

Dear Neil Young

Hi! I think you're awesome! I love Buffalo Springfield. I think CSNY is great. I love that in The Last Waltz Scorsese had to edit out the lump of cocaine that was hanging out of your nose. Yes, Neil, I think you are a cool guy.

After I saw two members of the holy trinity of music (you may know them as Bob and Lenny), I mused over the possibility of you hitting Halifax sometime this year. Never would I have ever considered that my insane babbling would prove true.

Neil, I think you're a great guy, but we have to talk. It's awesome that you're gracing our fair metropolis with your presence, but the prices, Neil, they're a little steep. Two hundred and fifty dollars for lower bowl? I mean... really? And eight bucks plus for a standing-room only floor? Neil, Neil, Neil... you don't need the money that badly, do you? Didn't Living With War sell? And now you've put out a sequel to Chrome Dreams... that's great!

You've put out an album basically every year since 1969... do you really need to gouge your fans with ticket prices? I'm still going to try to get tickets, Neil, but I'll have to make some sacrifices. You don't want an audience full of balding baby-boomers, do you? Because, Neil, those are the only people who can afford your tickets!

If you'd like to say sorry, I am free for lunch. Please bring Pegi. I think she's great, too.

See you in November.

xoxo Lauren

PS---I can basically forgive you for any misgiving because you're bringing Wilco. THANK-YOU!

Wherein Lauren goes adventuring

Despite a number of setbacks, and fears of massive cancellation fees, we made it out of the city yesterday to the fair hamlet of Shubenacadie. Saturday's bout of rain had subsided and the sun was shining. Yes, it was a good day.

We made it to the Tidal Bore Rafting Park at around 11:00, and were shuffled into a line-up with about 50-60 other people to receive a lifejacket and, if we wanted one, a raincoat. Seeing as we were going on the water and were going to get soaked anyways, the raincoat seemed like a silly idea... it certainly wasn't going to help you if you got thrown in.

Lifejackets secured, we waited to be taken down to the water. We were led down an almost rickety set of stairs to an oozing mud-flat that we had to cross to get into our boat that looked like it could fit about ten people. Our tour-guide loaded us up and set out across the river rather quickly, pointing out eagles' nests and rock formations. At one point, the biggest horse-fly I've seen in my life landed on the nose of the boat. The thing looked like it was the size of a quarter, and was clinging onto the boat, probably in hopes that it could find some lunch.

In an effort to shake the bastard off, the tour guide flipped into warp speed and nearly threw all of us off (at this point I lost my beloved Van Halen hat). You don't exactly sit down on these boats, but perch on the side, gripping a piece of rope that is behind you for dear life. Through a mix of balance and leg-support you hang on... the rope really didn't help much.

After we voyaged a bit further down the river, the guide dropped us off at a sandbar to wait for the bore to come in. There, my group and I ran around, displaying actions that can be accurately described as frolicking. At one point I got in the water and tried to swim against the current, only to get sucked about 50 feet down the river. Nature won... this time...

When waves became visible in the distance, we were ushered back into the boat and proceeded to go head on into the oncoming bore. A big wave about five feet high was coming at us and we smacked into it with such force that my shoes, which I had been hanging onto for dear life, went flying. We salvaged one, but the other was lost to the water.

After the initial bore, about an hour's worth of crashing, insane waves followed. We would bring the boat up to where the waves started, gun 'er up, and in short bursts jump over wave after wave after wave. The boat was always full of water and the next wave was always ready to slap you in the face. This, friends, is my idea of fun. It was exhilarating! My knuckles were white from hanging onto the stupid rope, and once I got thrown into the centre of the boat, crashing into various knees and feet.

The peak of the trip came when we neared a rock formation that sent waves crashing at us from all directions in a froth of white-water. Not only would they get you from the front, but water would be spraying in from all sides. Somehow, we held on. I think that's a point for us... take that, Nature!

After the waves subsided, we jumped off the boat and went for a swim (AKA getting pulled around by the current). Without even noticing, we were sucked about 100 feet down the river. Luckily, the boat followed.

As a end to our trip, we were taken to a spot on the shore that formed a natural pool. All along the sides of it was slippery mud, perfect for sliding. Fun, but gross; at one point my leg was swallowed up by about three feet of especially disgusting ooze.

Dirty and tired, we were sent back to the dock. Shoeless (why do I always end up losing ONE shoe?), I moaned and griped as I walked back to the lodge on the gravel walk-way, which left awesome dents on my already abused feet.

There, we washed the mud out of our hair and went home. I fear I might now have some kind of taste for "extreme" sports. That's right... SPORTS. EXTREME ONES! I am an ADRENALINE JUNKIE. I might have to look into surfing, or something. Or maybe just go tidal bore rafting again next summer. Yes, that's the ticket.

Too weird to live, and too rare to die

After yesterday's barbecue, I scurried back to my apartment to watch which a movie called the Tenant that Andrew had been raving about lately. What started as a seemingly docile film that might have strayed a little into the paranormal turned into one of the weirdest films I've seen in my life.

Which, of course, got me thinking... "Lauren, why do you watch so many weird movies?" and "Can these movies be compiled into a top-ten list for your blog?" ... The answers are "Because!" and "Yes"! Read on...

The Tenant (Le Locataire) -- 1976 -- 7.8 on IMDB

"A quiet and inconspicuous man (Trelkovsky) rents an apartment in France where the previous tenant committed suicide."

Think your neighbours drive you crazy? Watch this movie and see the real depths of insanity that bad neighbours can provoke. Bonus: an Egyptian cult and a prominent director who cross-dresses.

What Is It? -- 2005 -- 6.5 on IMDB

"Being the adventures of a young man whose principle interests are snails, salt, a pipe, and how to get home. As tormented by an hubristic, racist inner psyche."

Many snails are killed. Anton LaVey plays organ. The Manson Family sings songs. A man in black-face insists that he is Michael Jackson. The weird scale has been tipped.

Cannibal Ferox -- 1981 -- 4.9 on IMDB

"Three friends out to disprove cannibalism meet two men on the run who tortured and enslaved a cannibal tribe to find emeralds, and now the tribe is out for revenge."

Let's just say they don't disprove cannibalism...


Little Otik (Otesánek) -- 2000 -- 7.3 on IMDB

"When a couple learn that they cannot have children, the husband finds a piece of root in the backyard and shapes it into a child. His wife takes the root as her baby and pretends that it's real. When the root takes life they have gained a child; but its appetite becomes a problem...

STOP-MOTION TREE BABY THAT EATS PEOPLE.

Gokudô kyôfu dai-gekijô: Gozu -- 2003 -- 7.0 on IMDB

"The fate of two brothers follows a twisted path filled with violence, mother's milk, strange locals, and ultimately the disappearance of one brother's corpse."

The synopsis does not give any indication of how insane this movie becomes. The last scene in the film made me laugh and scarred me for laugh simultaneously. FYI: Gozu means "Cow Head".

El Topo (The Mole) -- 1970 -- 7.4 on IMDB

"See the naked young Franciscans whipped with cactus. See the bandit leader disemboweled. See the priest ride into the sunset with a midget and her newborn baby. What it all means isn't exactly clear, but you won't forget it."

The director of this film officiated at Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese's wedding. Cool guy.

L'Âge d'or (The Golden Age) -- 1930 -- 7.7 on IMDB

"A man and a woman are passionately in love with one another, but their attempts to consummate that passion are constantly thwarted, by their families, the Church and bourgeois society."

Salvador Dali + Luis Buñuel = fun. Plus, you've probably already seen Un Chien Andalou.

Palindromes -- 2004 -- 6.9 on IMDB

"Aviva is thirteen, awkward and sensitive. Her mother Joyce is warm and loving, as is her father, Steve, a regular guy who does have a fierce temper from time to time. The film revolves around her family, friends and neighbors."

What they neglect to say is that Aviva is played by a different actor in every scene. Including the large black woman pictured.

Polyester -- 1981 -- 6.6 on IMDB

"A suburban housewife's world falls apart when her pornographer husband admits he's serially unfaithful to her, her daughter gets pregnant, and her son is suspected of being the foot-fetishist who's been breaking local women's feet."

If you were lucky enough to see this in theatres, you received a scratch and sniff card that you were instructed to use at key points in the movie. Gross!

The Grandmother -- 1970 -- 7.3 on IMDB

" A young boy plants some strange seeds and they grow into a grandmother."

All of David Lynch's short films are deeply disturbing. This one especially, as it manages to be sad as well as creepy.



...So who wants to have a movie-night with me?

I don't know how to pronounce "meme"...

...but I can fill them out. I feel like I've been neglecting music lately in the wake of losing my iPod and spending way too much time in front of the TV / at the movie theater. My last.fm profile looks shameful, filled with bands that I haven't liked in years.

Anywho, I'm going to take a crack at this meme in hopes that some fair reader can gauge my musical tastes and offer some sort of recommendation. Please note that I actually had a dream about the Unicorns the other night thus am certifiably crazy.

Look at me go: my favourite album from each year starting the year I was born.

1985: Tom Waits: Rain Dogs

1986: Bad Brains: I Against I

1987: HELIX had an album out this year, but I will go against my undying love for HELIX and say Marianne Faithful: Strange Weather

1988: Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man

1989: Pixies: Doolittle

1990: Sonic Youth: Goo

1991: Nirvana: Nevermind

1992: STP: Core

1993: Radiohead: Pablo Honey

1994: Weezer: Blue Album

1995: Smashing Pumpkins: Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

1996: Sleater-Kinney: Call the Doctor

1997: Elliot Smith: Either/Or

1998: Neutral Milk Hotel: In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

1999: Our Lady Peace: Happiness... Is Not A Fish That You Can Catch

2000: I feel like this year sucked. Outkast: Stankonia because "Bombs over Baghdad" is my jam.

2001: Tool: Lateralus

2002: The Tragically Hip: In Violet Light

2003: The Dresden Dolls: The Dresden Dolls

2004: Arcade Fire: Funeral

2005: Buck 65: Secret House Against the World

2006: Tom Waits: Orphans: Brawler, Bawlers, and Bastards

2007: Peaches: Impeach My Bush

2008: The Mountain Goats: Heretic Pride

(I found this harder, and harder to complete as I neared the present. 2000 to now hurt my head. I am an old woman.)

You guys wanna see a dead body?

The things you do for film, man. Last weekend it was huddling under a water-logged blanket while fog from the harbour rolled in. The alFresco Film Festival always reminds me of what the movie experience should be like. There's an excitement and other-worldliness to camping out near the boardwalk, the waves at your back, while a screen glows through the cold, damp air. We'll ignore the fact that afterwards I felt like I had pneumonia---it was so darn cool.

Last week's double feature was Almost Famous and Say Anything---two definite favourites, and movies I love to sing along with. Other folks must share my sentiments, as "Tiny Dancer" invoked a sing-along like no other. Tomorrow, Stand By Me is playing, followed by next Friday's screening of the Goonies. Foolishly enough, watching Lost Boys 2 (gag) actually make me really excited to see these two films again. Feldman at his prime is something to witness (I'm serious). The AFF should have called this year's line-up "Movies That Make Lauren Happy".

Another movie that will make me happy is this year's big ticket: Blindness, aka a film based on the best novel I've read this year so far. I'm not a huge fan of any of the actors involved, but the preview looks so dead-on that I don't think they can screw it up too badly. I have faith, okay.

The premise is simply, yet terrifying: what would happen if everyone around you went blind? Think Lord of the Flies meets some kind of Old Testament plague. Worth reading, and, hopefully, worth watching.

So, maybe I'll be seeing some of you tomorrow for a little Feldman/Pheonix/Wheaton/O'Connell/KEIFER action. Based on last week's experience, I recommend you bring:


1) A non-broken chair. Much better than the broken one that threatened to tip backwards and squish the cute dog sitting behind it.
2) A water-proof jacket or umbrella to combat the MIST and/or THE FOG (depends whether your affiliation is w/ Stephen King or John Carpenter)!
3) A hooded sweater you can pull over your freezing ears.
4) Snacks for sharing (with me).
4) A big blanket that can cover you and at least three of your shivering friends.

See you at the movies!